Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date any man, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
